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I was holding brand-new family addition, James Lewis, today. He was getting a little heavy and I wanted to put him down somewhere. It’s kind of hard for everyone to see him in his hospital-provided bassinet so I was looking around for a place that I could maybe display him. A shelf perhaps.

I found one built into the side of the hospital-provided bassinet as it would happen. I open it up only to find that it’s not quite 4 inches deep and therefore far to small to hold and properly display an infant. Then I saw the warning!

“Do NOT place infant on shelf.”

I’m so glad they put that there! It surly is the only reason my son is still alive today. However, I do have several ways they should improve the warning… ways to help it convey the severity of the danger involved with placing an infant on a shelf.

First off, I think they should make it a stronger statement by adding the proper punctuation.

“Do NOT place infant on shelf!”

Then they should add more words so it doesn’t sound like a robot is talking to you.

“Please, do not place your infant on this shelf!”

Why not add a few more words that speak directly to the people who would actually need to be told not to put their baby on a shelf?

“Hey stupid! Please, for the love of God, do not place your infant on this shelf!”

Finally, more exclamation points… and write it like you would in an email or MySpace bulletin.

“HEY STOOOOPID!!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!!! DON’T PUT YOUR BABY ON THIS SHELF!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU A TARD??!?!!?!1!!!?”

We’re still coming up short. Someone who would actually benefit from this warning would need more information. None of our improved warnings include any options to putting your baby on a shelf:

1. Consider putting your infant in the bassinet.
2. Give your infant to someone else to hold. Preferably someone more smarter than you.
3. Give your child up for adoption. (He may not survive with you!)

Lastly, I noted that the message was not translated into any other languages. Even ceiling fan installation instructions come in Spanish and French as well as English. I can only derive one of two conclusions from this:

1. The hospital doesn’t care if Hispanic and French parents shelve their babies.
2. Hispanic and French don’t need to be told not to shelve their babies.

I’m going with option two.